About Movies
Before delving into lists of the best movie websites, movie review sites, best movies, etc., I would like to celebrate the social significance, and the impressionistic power of this medium. If you are any kind of artist, be it an illustrator, animator, painter, sculptor, photographer, designer, interior decorator, writer, actor, or musician, your kind is used in the production of movies. Movies and TV (excluding reality TV and talking heads) are responsible for the most controversial, the most spiritual, the most historical, the most compassionate, the most inspirational and motivational, the most provocative, the most enlightening and endearing, the most powerful, and the most visually pleasing pieces of art that the world has ever known.
Movies and TV use all of the arts in unison and/or in contrasting juxtapositions to create works of art that do not exist anywhere else. Movies can displace us in time and space, compress both or expand both by integrating various arts with good screen writing. Movies can transport our minds and our emotions to a totally different place, a totally different time, and a totally different emotion than any we have experienced before. And movies do not require any great effort from the viewer to accomplish this, for once we are absorbed into the zeitgeist of arts that compose a movie, we understand it intuitively, emotionally, and intellectually simultaneously.
When well crafted, they absorb us so intimately and with such simplicity in doing so that we are literally hypnotized by their magic as we are thrown into another world alien yet recognizable and believable at the same time.
Sometimes movies just entertain us, and allow us to escape from our mundane existence at a price much cheaper than an airline ticket and a hotel. Sometimes movies overwhelm us with an experience that transforms our emotions and raises our consciousness. Sometimes movies provide us with a catharsis by making us laugh or cry or both. Sometimes movies literally show us the evil and the goodness that exist within us. And sometimes movies confront us by challenging our values and morals, and by exposing us, our society, and our culture. Sometimes movies transport us out of our bodies and into that of the character on the screen and do this so powerfully that we are momentarily changed as we empathize with the character.
There is no other medium that teaches us the social etiquette, manners, mannerisms, and behavior that ends up becoming a part of our culture or already is a part of our culture. Movies force us to look closely at ourselves and our values by making us experience things and emotions that we probably would not experience without them, and by providing us with vicarious experiences that we might never experience otherwise. Other than school, church, family, and relatives, no other medium provides us with a sense of right and wrong, morals and values like movies. It does this by showing us intellectually the contrast between goodness and the darkness and evil that exist here, there or everywhere, or by making us vicariously experience the goodness and/or darkness and evil that exist here, there, or everywhere, and it makes its point sometimes powerfully, sometimes subtlety, sometimes with humor and grace, often with a combination of all of these elements.
And in the process it changes us. Since it is a temporary vicarious experience it does not change us permanently, but over time, it does change society. Our social norms, mannerisms, and values are formed to a great extent by movies and TV. Movies and documentaries have the power to change us, to make us better people or to make us worse, depending on our current values and our frame of mind. For most of us, movies probably don’t change our fundamental values (although they can), but they powerfully reinforce our ethics and values when we ourselves have our doubts, brought about by a combination of our own weaknesses and vulnerabilities, our social status, and the chaotic random things that happen to all of us on a daily basis.
Movies give us the cultural tools we need to survive and socialize in the world we know and the world we don’t know. You may not walk out of a movie and directly use the words or phrases or behavior you witnessed, but in combination, over time, movies do make us all communicate more intuitively using more varieties of verbal and non verbal behavior than we would otherwise. This process of socializing us to culture makes us more empathetic and more intuitive and ensures that we communicate instead of dominate.
The Myth That Books Are Always Better Than the Movie
Make no mistake about it. Usually, the book is better than the movie. But only if you can imagine the book, kind of like making your own personal movie.
Most books are not read at one session. In our busy lives, a lot can happen between readings, and this makes it difficult to pick a book back up and pick up exactly where we left off. You can see a lot more movies than you can read books solely because it takes more time to read a book than see a movie. Nevertheless, if you have the time and the imagination, (not all of us have even one of these let alone the other one), books are usually better (mainly because you control the imagination). However, there are plenty of examples of movies that were better than the book.
Some books are just horribly written. Full of exposition and description but lacking character, or the opposite, full of plot and dialogue but devoid of any emotion or meaning. But often a good screen writer and director can understand the intent and can visualize and make visual in mere moments what it took the writer hundreds or thousand of words to do. It is not because we lack imagination that we go to the movies instead of reading. It is because we can not envision something we have never experienced and we can not experience something we can not envision. Movies merge the experience and the vision by uniting our emotions with our senses and our intellect.
A good example of a badly written book that was transformed into a great set of movies is the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. The author, J.R. Tolkien, tried to make a reference book on the geography and history of Middle Earth into three novels, where the plot and characters are subservient to the descriptions of Middle Earth and its history. The movies were able to juxtapose these elements in real time with the narrative appearing simultaneously on the screen with the visual geography and history.
A second example is Twilight. I know I am going to be on a lot of peoples hit list for these remarks, but here goes. The book has dialogue that is juvenile and pretentious and just goes on and on about one trivial behavioral detail after another with regard to the looks and actions of its two main characters. As is true of many books, the middle part of it is not part of the storyline, and contains details that do not tell us what is important about the characters motivations or feelings. Most of the characters other than Bella and Edward are mere props in the book, stilted. There is no third character to make transitions or give us the tension that exists in a trilogy. The movie cuts out all of this redundant dialogue not only because it has to in order to make the movie 2 hours long instead of 20, but because it simply is not necessary. We are more interested in why Bella wants to become a vampire and throw her life away to a man/vampire she is in love with than we are with the details of what she is thinking from moment to moment on and on for what seems like decades. Through the non-verbal power of music and imagery, the movie intuitively tells us why and expresses the emotions in a minute that the book takes forever to do so.
These two examples were picked because they are kind of polar opposites. Tolkien – too much description and exposition and history with a lack of character development. Twilight with too much emphasis on the characters details but not enough context to see why the characters behave the way they do. The shallowness of the dialogue is another matter.
Below you will find some WEB articles comparing film to books.
Comparison of Lord of the Rings Books to the Movies
28 Reasons Why Twilight the movie Is Better Than Twilight the book DON’T MISS THE LAST FEW IN THIS SLIDESHOW. HILARIOUS.
Books Versus Movies – Time Magazine Movie Critic
Essays: Reading a Book Versus Watching a Movie
Upton Sinclairs Oil Versus Movie There Will Be Blood VERY ACADEMIC.
Revelations: Books Vs. Movies by Clive Barker VERY TRUTHFUL
Great Geek Debates: Books Vs. Movies Wired Magazine TRUE TO ITS TITLE
463 Movies Better Than the Book – From Book Readers
The Greatest 9,331 Movies Of All Time As Compiled By Brad Bourland
The movie websites below contain various lists of the best movies out today, on DVD, and best movies of all time, along with reviews and details on each of these movies. At the end of this article there is a list of lists, a list of 3,600 lists of movies. But perhaps the lengthiest and most sincere quest to catalog the best movies of all time has to go to Brad Bourland, a simple grocery clerk from Austin, Texas, who has spent many years of his life reviewing all of the movie review websites in an attempt to conduct a meta review, a review of all of the reviewers, of the top 9,331 movies of all time.
Brad’s project began back in 2001, when he started with the reasonable goal of rating 200-300 films. Nine years later, after spending more than 1,600 hours in seven libraries in three states, logging more than 4,000 hours on dozens of computers, and rummaging through 110 books, his project was ready for the masses.
This link is to an article in Salon on this mans single minded quest. Brads website, which contains the full list in MS Word format, is contained as a link within the Salon article.
Best Movie Websites
IMDB.com
IMBD is the standard against which all other movie/tv websites are compared. It has more movies listed and has a professional version which can be used if you are in the industry and searching for talent, looking for films in production, shopping your resume, etc. It has a large number of ways to search for films and a huge database. And you can create you own personal list of films with links to the movies in the IMDB database. It ranks all movies by critics and users, so you can get a list of the best 250 movies as reviewed by users of IMDB, or the worst 100 movies of all time as determined by users... You can look up virtually anything about a movie: cast, director, editing, art direction, awards, costumes, photography, plot, and much much more. You can also view many movies and tv shows online.
While IMDB has more films and more info. on each film, including more reviews, than any other website, it can be overwhelming at times, and it does not have a real clean interface. For example, the listing of movies to watch online is not organized and finding movie reviews involves more than a couple mouse clicks. But if you want to know exactly how each audience voted for a film, from age group to gender, etc., this site has a vast amount of info. It can take some getting used to. However, once you learn it, this site will be your favorite.
VideoHound’s Golden Movie Retriever
For many years VideoHound published a giant quality paperback book in 8 by 10 inch newspaper thin pages titled the Golden Movie Retriever. The book is over 2,000 pages long and all good independent video rental stores had a copy. That book had a gazillion movie reviews, along with several hundred lists of movies in categories you could not find anyplace else, like slasher films, hipster films, cult classic, etc. Now finally, it also has a website. The website has films listed in 26 different genres, including ones you won’t find elsewhere, like Film Noir, Art and Cult Films, Religion and Spirituality, Social Issues, and True Stories. It also has the lists. 24 pages of list names, for a total of several hundred different lists, such as for example a list of 3-D Flicks, a list of movies about Alien Babes, a list of movies about amnesia, a list of movies about Meteors and Asteroids, etc.
Videohound is also the one of a few sites to realize that Film Awards deserves it’s own menu tab. There simply are so many different organizations awarding films in so many different categories for so many decades that Awards deserves its own menu tab.
In addition to all the genres and categories which you can use to find films, this site also lets you browse films functionally by Actors, Directors, Cinematographers, Composers, and Writers.
VideoHound also has a tab for blogs such as reviews of current films and a store where you can purchase books or DVDs. The one thing you can’t do is directly go to Amazon as Videohound has its own growing store of books and DVDs, usually at significantly less than retail prices, but also usually not as low as used items on Amazon.
Finally, this site allows you to create your own profile. There is a menu tab for creating and accessing your profile. From here you can create your own list of movies you have seen or want to see and rate them and review them. This is a very easy to use system. You can add movies to your personal list and rate them from within almost any menu. For example, using a search for a movie. For example, by finding the movie by browsing movies in a genre. You can share the entire list or a customized subset from your list with others via an email system. You can also share by sending to facebook, etc, as well as follow on Facebook, Twitter, etc.. And you can immediately share your thoughts via Twitter, Delicious, Digg, etc. The only downside is that you can not see or edit your lists in a spreadsheet like format and you can not download your lists to Excel. See They Shoot Pictures Don’t They link below for an Excel spreadsheet of 8,800 best films that you can edit in Excel.
About the only criticism of this site besides the inability to get your custom lists you made and your favorite movies as a spreadsheet file is that this site is a little slow from time to time.
Films101.com
The great thing about this site is that you can get lists of the top 200 or so films in each genre with links to the info. on each film in imdb.com, and mrqe.com. More on the latter in a moment. This site is linked to several other sites including amazon.com so you can buy a new or used DVD. However, I could not find a link to netflix.com on this site.
AllMovie.com
This site lists thousands of movies by type/category. The menu allows you to list all films in each category or search for a specific film. There are 12 categories. The top few to several hundred films (depending on category) are listed for each category, sorted by the films overall rating on a 5 star system. The short description in the listing has title, year, and director, with links to a full description of the film that includes awards, cast, etc. The full description of the film includes a list of similar works and related works, which is very helpful if you like the film and want to find other related or similar works. What makes this site unique is that there is a link to info. on the DVD of the movie. And this link has a huge amount of info. on the DVD such as a listing of all extra features on the DVD, the number of DVDs in the set, the total length, menu options, aspect ratio, etc. This site has two companion sites called AllMusic and Allgame which you can get to from the AllMovie website. The AllMusic site is very good.
MRQE.com
This stands for Movie Review Query Engine. When you search for a film in this database or find it on a list, you then get a web linked list of all of the reviews that were ever done on the movie, with web links to each review. You also get a meta-review, a statistical analysis of what all of the critics together thought of the movie on a scale of 1 to 5 as a bar chart. You can even rank the list of reviews from good to bad, so the best reviews are at the top and the worst at the bottom. All movies on this database/website are also linked to Netflix, Amazon, Blockbuster, etc. so you can automatically go to the movie on that particular site that you choose and either order it, rent it, or watch it immediately, or put in you queue of movies to be watched.
Metacritic.com
Similar to MRQE, but instead of looking at what lots of different critics each thought of a movie or music, this site compiles scores from all the critics and gives a composite result. While MRQE does a little of this, this site does it better and rates new movies, movies on DVD, new TV, older TV, and music. It does this by genre and alphabetically. It provides lists of the composite scores in a number of different categories. And it even lets you see how each critic compares to other critics on average. For example: Roger Ebert ranks all movies an average of 9 points higher than the average, or Village Voice ranks all movies an average of 5 points lower.
Theyshootpictures.com
This is an extremely extensive list of films. The top 400 films have built in mini-descriptions so you don’t have to flip to another website. The top 1000 reviews can be sorted. And if you want to edit the list for your own personal list, you can download the top 8,800 films of all time as an Excel file and then play around with this all you want. (You must have Excel or this link will not work.) The excel file has two hyperlink fields. One field for Amazon and the other for IMDB.com. So you can do an incredible amount offline with this excel file. The excel table has an extensive list of fields/columns, and you can obviously add columns to it once you download it. This site also has a very long list of weblinks to hundreds of other film websites. This is a well organized site that allows you to look at lists of movies and their weblinks in many many different ways.
EmpireOnline.com
If you are only interested in new movies, upcoming movies, and what’s out and coming out on DVD, this is the best site there is. Extensive coverage of new films with a month by month release date catalog that looks forward over a year and a half. This is the same company that makes the British magazine Empire, the slickest and best movie magazine on the market.
Rogerebert.com
While Empire may be the slickest and largest site for examining new movies, Roger Ebert’s site is the best way to very quickly review all of the current releases at theatres now. His one minute review section has very concise reviews of most if not all of the currently released movies in theatres now. If you are planning on seeing a movie tonight and have lots of choices but little time to make a decision, you can get the quickest and probably the best and most reliable reviews from this site. Of course, Roger also has his reviews of older movies here as well, and the latest news from Hollywood.
“Best of Lists” List of Movie Lists
About 3,600 different lists of movies, such as cult films, chick flicks, Bond movies, top spiritual films, MTV Movie Awards, AFI’s 100 Years 100 Movies, Independent Spirit Awards, etc. If you don’t know exactly what you want to watch but have and idea, use one of these lists to help you.
Best movies so far in 2010
(If not available on DVD or Netflix now, will be by end of year)
Toy Story 3
Inception
Shutter Island
Joan Rivers – A Piece of Work
The Runaways
Alice in Wonderland
The Wolfman
The Book of Eli
Splice
Scott Pilgrim Versus The World
The Lovely Bones
Diary of A Wimpy Kid
Get Him To The Greek
Creation
The Town
The Kids Are All Right
The Eclipse
Brooklyn’s Finest
A Million In The Morning
Best TV Shows so Far in 2010
Mad Men
Fringe
Boston MED
Boardwalk Empire
House, M.D.
The Big Bang Theory (a sitcom)
Chelsea Handler Late Night
Haven – New
The United States of Tara
The Office
Glee
Weeds
The Secret Life of the American Teenager
Dexter
30 Rock
Best TV Shows Of All Time
The Simpsons
30 Days
Weeds
The Closer
Intervention
Secret Life of An American Teenager
Star Trek – The Next Generation
120 Minutes
MTV Unplugged
Project Runway
Friends
Seinfeld
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
The Cosby Show
Mork and Mindy
30 Rock
House
Greys Anatomy
Heroes
The Gilmore Girls
True Blood
The X Files
ER
The Sopranos
WKRP in Cincinnatti
The Wire
Twin Peaks
Six Feet Under
Hill Street Blues
Saturday Night Live
Cheers
All in The Family
The Daily Show
Freaks and Geeks
Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman
Taxi
Get Smart
The Jeffersons
Ren and Stimpy
Farscape
Battlestar Galactica
South Park
Mad Men
M.A.S.H.
The Andy Griffith Show
The Dick Van Dyke Show
Best News, Political, and Talk Shows of All Time
Nightline
60 Minutes
PBS Frontline
The Rachel Maddow Show
The Daily Show
Oprah Winfrey
Tyra AKA The Tyra Show
Good to Great Movies and Documentaries and TV Out on DVD or Netflix Now
Madmen – Season 3
The Blues – A Documentary on Seven DVDs
30 Days – Season 1 (Morgon Spurlock who did Super Size Me created this)
Blue State
Speak
Precious: Based on the novel by Sapphire
The Cove – Best documentary of 2009
Food Inc. Best documentary of 2009
Crazy Heart
Diary of A Wimpy Kid
Bad Lieutenant
Inglorius Basterds
A Serious Man
Up In The Air
Up
Drag Me To Hell
Public Enemies
Avatar
The Hangover
Nine
Where The Wild Things Are
It’s Complicated
Sherlock Holmes
The Informant
Whip It
Moon
The Blind Side
Invictus
500 Days of Summer
Coraline
Star Trek
The Heart is A Drum Machine
The Beautiful Truth
King Corn
A Crude Awakening: The Oil Crash
In the Realms of the Unreal
Hounddog
No Impact Man
Inked: The Best of Season One
The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc
The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill
Girls Rock
The Botany of Desire
The Future We Will Create
Mad Hot Ballroom
Rivers and Tides
12
Fuel
Quills
Brief Interviews With Hideous Men
Best Documentaries of All Time
Before perusing my list of best documentaries of all time, please take a look at the following website called Box Office Mojo. It includes a list of all documentaries that were introduced into theatres from 1982 to present, including their ranking in box office receipts, their life gross ticket revenues, number of theatres they were shown in, the date they were released to theatres, and weblinks to each of the documentaries with additional information
BTW Boxofficemojo is a great site if you are looking for statistical info on box office results. It has some amazing info. For example, did you know that ET the Extraterrestial was number one at the box office more weeks in a row than any other film, including Titanic?
BoxOfficeMojo.com.
Harlan County. U.S.A.
Hoop Dreams
The Thin Blue Line
The 11th Hour
A Crude Awakening
Who Killed The Electric Car
Home
Blue Water
Planet Earth
Life
Bowling For Columbine
The Fog of War
Supersize Me
Born Into Brothels
Food, Inc.
The Cove
Fahrenheit 911
Winged Migration
March of the Penguins
Enron: The Smartest Guys in The Room
A Brief History of Time
The U.S. Versus John Lennon
More Than A Game
The Most Dangerous Man in America….
This Film Is Not Yet Rated
Bushs Brain
Howard Zinn: You Can’t Be Neutral On A Moving Train
Jimmy Carter, Main From Plains
King Corn
Can Mr. Smith Get to Washington Anymore?
Woodstock
Sicko
Hearts and Minds
Triumph Of The Will
No End In Sight
The Ascent of Man
The Corporation
Night and Fog
The Times of Harvey Milk
Berkley in the 1960s
The War Room
Dark Days
The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill
The War At Home
Streetwize
Outfoxed: Rupert Murdochs War on Journalism
The Slow Poisoning of India
A War On Science
Darwins Nightmare
Cosmos
Jonestown
Aileen Wournos: The Selling of A Serial Killer
Jesus Heart
Young@Heart
Movies To Come To Theatres Soon – Remainder of 2010
** Means will probably also be a hit at the box office
** The Town
Legend of The Guardians (3D)
The Virginity Hit
A Mothers Courage: Talking Back to Autism
Buried
Collapse
Ghetto Physics: Will The Real Pimps and Hos Please Stand Up
Megamind
Sin City 2
When Worlds Collide
The Other Side
The Next 3 Days
True Grit – Remake by the Coen Brothers
Conviction
The Tourist – teams up Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp
Hereafter – Directed by Clint Eastwood
** The Social Network – About the beginnings of Facebook
How Do You Know
I’m Still Here – documentary on Joaquin Phoenix
Never Let Me Go
Catfish
** Wall Street – Money Never Sleeps – Oliver Stone has been slipping lately but this might be his comeback
The Tempest – Julie Taymors remake of Shakespeare from a feminist viewpoint. She did Across the Universe and Frida
** Little Fockers - just for the fun of it. Probably wont be as good as first two.
Black Swan – Natalie Portman. Directed by Aron Darunovsky - I know I spelled his name wrong.
** Freakonomics – series of 5 short documentaries taken from the book – each by different director
Nowhere Boy – early years of John Lennon
Fair Game
The Next Three Days
** Burlesque – Christina Aguilera and Kristen Bell
Love and Other Drugs
Somewhere
Blue Valentine
The Tree of Life
Due Date
Movies That May Be Good but Will be Very Violent and Possibly Gruesome
127 Hours
Buried
Devil – by M. Night Shyalaman. This film is not terribly violent. But its emphasis on religious beliefs and meanings may be a little controversial. Can M. Night return to the success he had with The Sixth Sense and Signs?
Best Film Directors of All Time
Woody Allen
Robert Altman
Paul Thomas Anderson
Judd Apatow
Darren Aronofsky
Caroll Ballard
Warren Beatty
Ingmar Bergman
Bernardo Bertolucci
Kathryn Bigelow
Albert Brooks
James Cameron
John Cassavettes
Ethan and Joel Coen
Francis Ford Coppola
David Cronenberg
Brian De Palma
Guillermo del Toro
Jonathan Demme
Clint Eastwood
David Fincher
Milos Forman
William Friedkin
Terry Gilliam
Alfred Hitchcock
Peter Jackson
Lawrence Kasdan
Elia Kazan
Stanley Kubrick
David Lean
Spike Lee
Sidney Lumet
David Lynch
Terrence Malick
David Mamet
Michael Mann
Sam Mendes
Mike Nichols
Alan Parker
Arthur Penn
Sean Penn
Roman Polanski
Sydney Pollack
Otto Preminger
Sam Raimi
Ken Russell
John Sayles
Martin Scorsese
Ridley Scott
Steven Soderbergh
Steven Spielberg
Oliver Stone
Quentin Tarantino
Francois Truffaut
John Waters
Orson Welles
Frederick Wiseman
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Henry And Darlene - A Screenplay
Henry and Darlene
Setting:
Darlene is married to the little paper puppet, Henry. He has shrunk and turned into paper. She sees him at bottom of stairs trying to jump and crawl up the stairs.
(Use a thread through puppets head and a lever made by running thread up and around a horizontal pole between those two boards.
Darlene sees puppet. We zoom in on her. She looks tired but then opens eyes wide in surprise. Then looks quizzical. And she moves her mouth as if saying "What the F***." We zoom in on puppet and it is jumping up and down, falling down because it has the popsicle stick stuck out of it.
Scene One:
Darlene:
"Henry? Is that You?"
Henry jumps up and down.
Darlene:
"What happ....." Peers at Henry. "OK. This isn't happening. I'm going back to bed."
Darlene turns and leaves.
Puppet jumps up and down.
Next we see puppet struggling up a few steps.
Scene Two:
We cut to the couch. Puppet now has two small sticks like crutches so it can stand and is standing a ways from the couch.
Darlene is laying sideways with eyes shut.
Puppet throws something at her. Lands on her face. We only see stuff landing on her face.
Darlene wakes up. We close in on her face. At first just tired. Then startled as she sees Henry.
Darlene:
"What? You're real? What the hell happened to you?"
Puppet moves toward her. We can't see hand on popsicle stick moving puppet.
Darlene:
"And what's that thing sticking out your butt.""
Darlene:
"OK. Your spinal cord!."
Cut to puppet moving toward couch.
Darlene:
"OK. just lay down I'm calling the doctor."
Darlene gets on phone to doctor.
Darlene:
"Hello. My husband is a patient of Dr. Woodrow. And he's having a serious problem. What? OH. I'm his wife, Darlene. No. He can talk. But he just sounds really whiny and faint."
Scene Three:
We cut to the cat laying next to puppet.
Cat voiceover:
"You know. I don't think you're going to be able to open my can of fish food anymore. Hmm. She's not going to shrink too, is she? Cause if she does, I'm splitting. I'm out of here."
Scene Four:
Cut back to Darlene:
Darlene:
....And he's also kind of smaller than he used to be. How much weight has he lost? Can I just bring him in? OK. 3 on Monday? No thats too late. He could die or becrushedby then. What? No. Thrush. I think he has thrush. the ER? OK."
Cut to puppet.
Cut to Darlene:
Darlene
"OK. We're going to the ER. Can you walk? Nevermind."
Darlene picks up puppet and puts him in her pocket.
Scene Five:
Sitting in car at ER. Puppet is laying down on dashboard. We cut to puppet and back to Darlene.
Darlene:
Look. They are not going to believe this. Why don't I just put you in my pocket, bring you in and then set you on the counter near the receptionist? I'm sure if you jump up and down like you were doing before, somebody will notice. OK? OK?
Cutto puppet as he falls down on to car floor.
Darlene:
Come on. Stand up. Um, Henry? How much do we have in life insurance?"
Cut to puppet.
End
The Law Offices of Morty Shabangsky
The Law Offices of Morty Shabangsky
Setting:
People are standing in a line outside a closed door that says:
“Morty Shabangsky – Attorney at Law”
“The Five Minute Attorney”
On the door.
The people are doing things while waiting, indicating impatience, such as tapping feet, on cell phone, texting, looking around, etc.
Shot One: Three seconds
The camera zooms out from the closeup of the sign to show a shot behind the line showing the line of people, but off to one side so we can see the activity of the line.
Shot Two:
Tapping feet. One second
Shot Three: Four seconds.
Same as shot one, but the door is in the shot and we hear the words “Next”.. and “Come on in”, from behind the door. The person at the front of line opens the door. The camera zooms in from behind the shoulder as the woman moves in the room and the camera focuses on a man sitting at a desk (Morty). He is facing the door so we can see his face. While still somewhat in the background, the man says
Morty: “Sit down. Have a seat.”
Morty: “So you are… Sharon
Morty: “So you want to sue BP?”
Morty: “You cant’t do that.”
Morty: “Wait. You don’t even live down there.”
Morty: “OK. Well go back to that. What else you got?
Guy outside: “Hey this dude down the streets got a website. Hes cheaper and does a 2 minute thing.”
Morty: “Well that’s because you’ve been spying on them.”
Morty: “You can’t do that.”
Morty: Ok. Look. I know the judge. You wont do time.
“Morty. Theyre all leaving.”
Morty: “What”
Morty: “Look kid. Help me out. I’ll get you off and waive all your fees. Go out there and tell them Im a great lawyer.”
Morty: “Evlelyn. Change the website. Lower the prices. Im now the 2 minute attorney.”
End
Closeup of Morty
The Time Management Kit For Hyperactive Adult Type A Personalities
The Time Management Kit for
Hyperactive Adult Type A Personalities
There are many books, seminars, and kits that have been developed on Time Management. But they all rely on behavioral and motivational techniques and methods.
This kit is for the person who really wants to fine tune time management, right down to the minute. With this kit, you will have the tools you need to manage your time down to the minute. This is not a kit for the weak of heart or those who have motivational problems. This is a practical kit with practical tools that will help you utilize the time you have in the most efficient manner.
So what’s in this unique kit.?
First, is a set of time schedules where you can keep track of what you did, right down to the minute. You can use the excel template to create more. And we have included an example time schedule sheet already filled in so you can see how to use it.
Next, we have included a 3 minute sand timer. If you are serious about time management, and have tasks that can be done in under 3 minutes, then you will want to use this simple tool to ensure you are staying to the mark.
For longer tasks, we have included a standard cooking timer, that allows you to set maximum time limits up to one hour. You should never spend more than an hour at a time on a task. To do so is to waste time. If you cant get it done or finish a step in the process in the process in an hour, you shouldn’t be doing it.
Next, we have included a personal stamp that you can use to mark your documents. This stamp is your stamp, showing you did it, and it takes less time to use this stamp than it does to sign your name.
We have also included a Tinkerbell notepad simply because Tinkerbell is a heroine to us all, and in honor of her memory, well you get the idea…..
When you need to write a note, you should reward yourself. So we have included a Hersheys Kissable notepad. Buy yourself some Hersheys kisses and eat one every time
you have to write a note. Rewarding yourself for a job well done is important.
To reinforce those small messages that you want to get across personally, we have included a set of fluorescent post it notes, courtesy of Romy and Michelle.
Whenever you get a major task done, you should reward yourself. A good way to do this is to give yourself a quick manicure with the deluxe sparkle nail files we have included in this kit. Your hands are your most important tools in your job, and when you look at them what do you see? You will appreciate your hands and all they do more than ever before if you reward them with a beautiful manicure after every task. Carry these around with you.
If you are going to get more done, you need to have more time. There is only one way to get more time. Sleep less. So we have included a box of Stay Awake pills. These will ensure you are fully alert and awake so you can perform your job to the best of your mental abilities.
Staying awake and alert is only possible if you have the strength and adaptability to do so. To that end, we have included a bottle of Ginseng pills. These will provide you with the stamina you need to get through the most difficult stressful tasks without feeling stressed.
Finally, if you are taking these pills, and sleeping less, you don’t want to get run down from exhaustion. To help you sleep better and support your immune system while you sleep, we have included a bottle of Airborne Nighttime. It has what you need to get a good restful sleep, whether that be at home or at the office after a long days work.
Sorry, we could not include blood pressure pills, which is really what you need if you are a Type A personality using all this stuff. But we do recommend you talk this over with your doctor.
To keep costs down we did not include the life size punching doll. Although this is available in the deluxe version of this kit. It’s a substitute for the blood pressure pills.
24 Things That Must Happen Soon Or We Are All Doomed
24 Things That Should, Could, Must Happen Or We’re All Doomed
Science and Technology are in hyperdrive. Science Daily News, Scientific American, New Scientist, and MIT Technology Review point the way toward where we could be, should be in the next ten to twenty years.
Still, political bureaucracy, political inertia, and just plain old greed (ka ching) and fear of change have a way of dragging things out so they don’t get done, so things don’t get better for all of us.
I have counted 24 things, mostly technological, with some political changes mixed in that must happen within the next 20 years or, in my opinion, human life on this planet is doomed to extinction, which might not be a bad thing from the perspective of most of the other life forms on this planet.
But these 24 things, when taken together, represent, in my mind, a fundamental change in humanity, a dawning of a new golden age, a renaissance where consciousness, art, music, freedom of expression and growth of the human spirit could emerge and we could begin to take on the role we are probably destined to, which is the caretaker of life on this planet and beyond rather than the annihilator.
So here they are. Some will happen sooner than other and they are not in any particular order. But know this. If these things don’t happen, you might as well pack up your bags and move to a commune somewhere, because you are going to be fighting it out for personal survival with every other individual person on this planet. I believe we have 20 years to make this all happen.
We must be at least 50% of the way towards constructing a smart national electricity grid.
There should be at least half a dozen electrical power plants creating electricity via nuclear fusion created by pulsing hundreds of lasers on hydrogen. Just yesterday the first laser to achieve temps equal to that at the center of the sun were demonstrated.
The vast majority of produce sold in large cities is grown locally on flat rooftops or on bridges between skyscrapers. The food is grown aeroponically, a technique which uses minimum water and sprays a fine mist of water and nutrients constantly on the plant roots, keeping them moist and free from burning. This reduces the weight of the supporting structure for the plants enormously allowing the use of lightweight bridges between skyscrapers to increase the surface area for plants.
All incandescent and fluorescent based lighting is replaced by LEDS.
At least 50% of all the blacktopped surfaces on roofs and on roads and in parking lots are whitewashed or painted to provide a cement off white color, increasing the albedo and the reflected sunlight, radically reducing the amount of heat trapped in the atmosphere by greenhouse gases. Steven Chu, President Obamas Secretary of Energy has calculated this could reduce the average temperature by an amount equivalent to taking all the cars off all the roads on the entire planet for eleven years, when equated to the amount of energy from greenhouse emissions.
All passenger travel of 300 miles or less not covered by driving will be done by high speed rail, either TGA like in France or maglev based.
Completely electric cars should make up at least 85% of all cars sold, and well over 60% of all the cars on the road should be all electric. Batteries will be ten times as energy efficient as current, using porous carbon and oxygen instead of lithium, the oxygen will be obtained from the air and used immediately instead of being stored in the battery. Batteries will not be charged but you will exchange your battery for a charged one at a station and these stations will be as ubiqtious as gas stations are now. It will take less than 2 minutes to exchange the battery.
All over the road trucks will also use these new batteries. The only vehicles continuing to use fuels will be locomotives used on railroads, passenger airplanes, and large maritime vehicles. The fuel used by these vehicles will be exclusively biofuels. In other words, the production of all fossil fuels for vehicles, with the possible exception of natural gas, will be completely phased out.
There will no longer be the need to obtain a zoning waiver or zoning change to put a wind generator in your back yard as long as the wind generator meets certain standards for efficiency, size, and noise levels. These standards can be met now with current designs that are already on the market by firms such as AngelWindEnergy.
Solar and wind power systems will be ubiqtious, taking on many different forms, including centralized systems such as concentrated thermal heat collectors, large wind energy farms, large photovoltaic plants in the desert, as well as decentralized systems in your backyard and on your roof. Roof panels will be installed in a day thanks to the newer flexible ribbon panels that can be rolled out and placed on a rooftop quite rapidly. Weather protection will be required for such panels in some climates and could consist of UV resistant plastics mounted over the ribbon panels.
All objects that are transported into space will be done by one of three methods (a) space plane that takes off like a regular plane and lands like one (b) a carbon fiber/carbon nanotube scaffold and structured ribbon that is used to support an elevator to space. The elevator has lasers as its source of power.(c) a ground based cannon that launches objects into space at a low enough trajectory to reduce g forces enough that the object is not smashed. People and many objects will not be transported this way, but objects that are structurally sound or diffuse in nature to begin with could be launched this wasy.
Smart drugs that make you much smarter will be widely available without a prescription and be inexpensive.
Federal laws are established that create labs for the standardized testing of non-pharmaceutical “nutritional supplements” for the purpose of ensuring that all such supplements contain the advertised dosage/amount and that the advertised dosage/amount has been tested to verify that it achieves the desired clinical, medical, or nutritional effect in the body.
Targeted anti-cancer drugs (using nanotechnology based delivery systems and time released delivery of the drugs to highly specific locations in the body), much more precisely targeted radiation therapy, and nutritional supplements should totally replace the current broad spectrum approach to chemotherapy. Furthermore, the use of these drugs will occur far earlier in the process of getting cancer than now as cancer will be detectable and localized at a scale of at least one tenth the size of the current minimum size that can be seen now.
SPECT brain scans and full blood tests will be required in all cases where OCD, ADHD, clinical depression, bipolar disease, or any schizoaffective disorder is diagnosed via a standard DSM IV approach to diagnosis. Before any medicine can be prescribed by any doctor, these tests will have to be administered first and evaluated by a specialist similar to a radiologist. In addition, it will be common to use SAM-E and St. Johns Wort in place of in lieu of prescription drugs.
All laptop computers will contain GPS technology in them, along with a fingerprint reader for Power On Password, as well as internet based anti-theft technology. Theft insurance will be common and inexpensive, and the fine for stealing a laptop will be $10,000 in todays dollars. In addition, laptops will have enormous battery length because they will not have a hard drive. All laptops will run entirely on RAM, SD chips, thumbdrives, and completely optical disk drives, i.e. like dvds. However, they won’t be DVDs. A typical laptop will be able to hold at least 100 terrabytes on a single disk using holographic memory supplemented by additional phase differential lasers that bring the total dimensions of storage to five or more.
All middle and high school instructors will have to have at least two years of formal training in computer operating systems, networking, internet search engines, and database design in order to teach in a public school.
All middle school and high school students will be required to bring a laptop to school. All of their books will be on the laptop.
Smart internet phones, like the I-Phone, but with additional capabilities such as the ability to project images from the phone to a blank surface, will be the standard phones that are “given away for free” with a new contract from a cell phone carrier.
The revolution in computer memory noted above will also result in media such as optical disks or nanotechnology storage systems that will not degrade, i.e. the data will remain viable and obtainable with no errors in retrieval for at least a million years instead of the current 20 years life on the media.
These radical increases in computer storage and storage life will obviously make the current system of making money on the sale of Blue Ray disks, CDs, on-line music and video sales, netflix, satellite tv, and cable tv totally obsolete in their current form. They will be replaced by a universal system where you can get your information with advertising and/or pay for it with a byte tax that is redistributed to artists, producers, directors, cast, etc. based on the number of times the product is viewed, downloaded, etc. You will get all of your information on-line via streaming media or downloading it. The byte tax will work on downloads because anytime you watch a downloaded product, it will send data back to the internet, or you may be simply able to buy it outright for a higher price.
3D 240 Hz 1080P or higher television will be ubiqitious. The 3D will not require the use of any type of polarized glasses. The images will be alternated so between the left and right eyes that you will simply watch it and it will register directly to your brain. You will be able to wear a small portable EEG type device that will warn you if the 3D video is causing brain wave problems before they occur by analyzing the pattern beforehand. You will be able to switch between 3D and 2D by the menu on the remote control or by a menu or hot key on your computer.
Color Kindles and laptops will replace printed books, and you will be able to print directly from your laptop without a separate printer, provided you carry paper around with you. The kindles will be different however, in that you will have a choice of one that looks like the current kindle or one that looks just like a real book where you actually turn the pages. Each page will be an electronic page with electronic ink just like a current kindle.
Megaplex movie chains like Kerasotes and AMC will be replaced by theatres with 100 or more screens which show combinations of new blockbuster movies, independent movies like those shown at Cannes, etc, and classic movies, i.e. older movies already out and available over the internet. Movie theatres will have multitudes of screens in different sizes depending on what is being shown, with larger screens for blockbuster movies and smaller screens for classic movies. People will still go to the movies because the 3D effect will be more prominent on a larger screen, the sound will be better than at home, and because in large cities where people live in condos and apartments, there will be an inherent limit to the size of the screen and because it is sociable to go to the movies together with friends, and with the advent of classic movies and subscriptions to theatres and internet polling of people to determine what to play, movies will be more popular.
Fast food restaurants will be required to prominently display the calories, fat, and nutritional quality of all their foods at the entrance to the restaurant as well as immediately below each of the menu items on the large wall sized menus and the individual paper menus.
All fast food requirements will have to meet calorie and fat standards which will be administered like the CAFÉ standards for cars are today. If a chain is going to sell a super burger it will have to sell an equal number of more healthy items in order to meet the standard.
Anti social find your soulmate type services, casual pickup dating services like I-Mate, and overnight dating services like Seductive Search are significantly replaced by Artiticial Intelligence based dating services that use a number of personality, psychological, intelligence, emotional intelligence, musical intelligence, visual intelligenc tests to evaluate you and your potential mate. These services also use info. on your body odor, your smell since studies have shown that is important to potential mates. The system will analyze your body language via video and this will be analyzed by a computer using AI to determine your outgoing or inwardness. Galvanic skin response will be measured to evaluate your integrity and honesty and your ability to lie. You will of course decide how much you want to use and your prospective date will decide how much to use as well as how much he/she needs to evaluate of all of this information. This dating character information will be used to create singles parties of compatible complementary people who can find each other in a party setting. In addition, new methods of dating such as virtual reality using avatars to represent you will be used to break the ice on first dates and allow more freedom of expression among people needing this. People with larger social networks will be introduced to compatible groups/networks of people in smaller social networks as the system gains enough information to do so, enhancing the probablility of finding a soulmate. The system will use AI algorithms to find a balance between common interests between two people and personalitys that complement each other.
Features Of A Great Indie Revival Theatre
The Indie Revival Theatre
What sets us apart from other theatres and the mega plexes.
1. Selected seats are recliners, like La Z boys.
2. Expanded concession stand offering various coffees, popcorn seasonings, caramel corn, cookies, gourmet ice cream, etc.
3. A special express line for people getting refills or texted orders.
4. Wi-fi audio streamed to your I-phone for those with hearing difficulties. (you must use earbuds.)
5. Concession stand menus with coded numbers for each item, so you can text your order to the concession stand from your seat and pick it up or, for a fee, have it delivered to your seat. Payment is via movie credits you purchase on-line or with your tickets. This is like a line of credit that you can cash in anytime you want.
6. All cash prices are guaranteed to be $2 dollars less than whatever the megaplex is charging for the same time period.
7. All rows of seats are far enough apart to discourage seat kickers.
8. No babies or infants allowed in the theatre (unless this is discrimination.)
9. A good mix of documentaries, independent, and arthouse films.
10. The largest screen will also have a balcony like the older theatres used to have.
11. An annual film festival at which we show the most popular movies that were voted on, beyond the 12 shown for a month each. Perhaps, this could also be open voting for anybody who visits the website. Have to think about this. See 13 below.
12. Discounted memberships (3 month, 6 month, and one year) as well as multiple movie ticket purchases, like sets of 10.
13. With each movie you see, you get one vote for the movie you want the theatre to play. The votes are tabulated and the largest vote getter movie is shown for a week or two. Votes are tabulated for a month, guaranteeing at least 12 films a year from the customers.
14. A website to vote on movies, view trailers and previews, provide links to other very good sites like IMDB, etc., purchase ticket sets and memberships, purchase concession stand credits, purchase movie memorabilia, DVDs, and see movie schedules for the upcoming month.
15. A shop and museum to purchase movie memorabilia, DVDs, and look at classic movie posters, etc.
16. Two screens show current movies that have played out at the megaplexes and are about to go to pay per view or DVD.
17. Three screens offer managements selection of documentaries, independents, and arthouse films.
18. One screen shows a different movie each day of the week.
19. One screen shows the movie that was most popular in the voting for movies.
Twelve Reasons Why We Need 3DTV
Twelve Reasons Why We Need 3D TV
1. Rich people have to have something new to buy more frequently to reduce the stress in their life.
2. Buying 3D TV is rich peoples way of thinking they are stimulating the economy, and helping curb unemployment. It gives them a warm fuzzy feeling.
3. So we can watch Avatar over and over again.
4. Because there aren’t enough ads and product placements in real 3D environments.
5. So we can go on 3D Virtual Reality vacations with 3D avatars, escaping from the wife/husband, kids, exercise, and extremely high gas prices.
6. So NFL football can do replays 4 more times for each play.
7. Because there are lots of middle aged men who can’t afford Camaros and other toys.
8. Because the Pope is bored.
9. Because rich people will give more to Haiti
10. Because that really old couple 2 seats away at the theatre don’t know how to eat popcorn and when to stop.
11. Because suddenly everything in the real world is beginning to look like 2D.
12. Because McDonalds stock went up 142 points after airing the McLovin it Ad in 3D with smell featuring Lady Gaga.
What Its Really For, Why They Really Produce It
What It’s Really For, Why They Really Made It, What It Really Means, Etc.
What is the Real Reason for Inventing God
So we could replace him with the cellphone.
Why They Invented Texting
To be obnoxious
To send secret messages in class
Te send secret messages right in front of everyone else
What’s The Next Killer Application
Thought To Texting
And After That
Thought to Pot Thought to Texting
And After That?
Pot Thought Texting to Computer Generated Avatars
Why They Invented Downloadable Ringtones
So you can be obnoxious
So you can find a frequency older people can’t hear
The Real Reason Why Phones Vibrate
So teens cans answer phone without anyone knowing
Used As a S__ toy.
To Be cool at the movies
Why Russia
In case the U.S.
In case China
In case India
In case (Insert nation or corporation here) goes crazy with greed
The Real Reason Why They Put Cameras In Cell Phones
Baby Pictures
Cat Pictures
Surveillance
Voyeurism
Amateur Porn
The Real Reason For Email
So unemployed hackers can create denial of service computer server crashes
So rouge nations can create denial of service computer server crashes
For people who are tired of IMing and Texting.
As People Get smarter, they like to think more before they write.
The Real Reason for Limewire
To hide secret hacks and exchange them.
What is Rap Music Really for
To revive poetry
To restore our collective feeble attention span
The Real Reason Why People Went to See Transformers II
Megan Fox
Why They Invented the Cube
So parents can feel cool about shelling out $20 grand for a car that doesn’t even get very good gas mileage and looks like a piece of crap.
So you have to buy a second car for the expressway.
The Real Reason for StumbleUpon.com
So you can catalog thousands of websites as favorites that you never actually look at.
To make friends on the basis of thousands of websites that you never look at.
The Real Reason for Condos
So there could be a reason for the housing bubble
The Real Reason for Wheelchair Parking Spots
So ordinary normal people can finagle the best parking spots
The Real Reason for Google
World Domination through control and manipulation of information access
The Real Reason For Facebook
World Domination through control and manipulation of personal information.
The Real Reason for MySpace
Hotties and Mafia Wars
The Real Reason for huge subwoofers in small cars
So you can send an equal opportunity F you to just about everybody.
Why GM shitcanned the first electric car (EV1) in 1996 or thereabouts
It was too popular. It threatened the oil companies.
The Real Reasons Why the Banks take 3 dollars off the top of ATM withdrawls
It costs money to print money. You have to print money to buy all that ink and paper so you can print more money. This in turn costs money, so you have to print more money. Then you have to persuade your banking friends at the federal reserve to print money. This costs money. You have to print that money. You have to buy the extra ink and paper to print that money. This costs more money. You have to print money for that.
What Really is the single thing that most people under 30 really want?
To stay that way.
Why does life begin after 40 instead of after 30?
Because people under 30 want to stay that way and it often takes a decade to figure out that they can’t. or really don’t want to. They just thought they did.
Why to so many people under 30 go to clubs? Clubbing?
Because they play the same music they listen to in their cars and at work.
Ecstasy
Why do so many people under 30 listen to clubbing music in their cars?
Because they play the same music that they hear in clubs.
Ecstasy flashbacks
Why do people watch reality TV?
In a surreal world, it takes a lot to find something more unreal than your day to day existence.
What is the single most important song ever made?
The Rolling Stones – You Can’t Always Get What You Want.
Why do dolphins “play” or communicate with people
They are trying to tell us we can learn to cooperate more and compete less, and that destroying the world is not necessary in order to get what you want. That patience is a virtue. They are saying “look at us. We are smart. And we are happy. We like to play with each other. You can be too.”
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