The Anti Recession Toolkit

The Anti Depression Toolkit

InTheTank Enterprises is pleased to offer you this package of tools and ideas that you can use to make it through the long and deep depression.  We guarantee you will make money or save money equal to multiple times the $20 cost of this kit. If you do not make or save at least $20, we will send you absolutely free of charge a lottery ticket that could not only be your ticket out of the depression, but your ticket to wealth and happiness for the rest of your life.

The stuff we have included in this kit is highlighted in bold.

But first, here’s a one dollar lottery ticket.  You didn’t pay for it.  We did.  Try this first.  Maybe you’ll get lucky and you won’t have to resort to the rest of the ideas in this toolkit.

1.                  Vegetable seeds.  Just add dirt and water.  You can’t find dirt in the city?  Move to Chicago.  Otherwise, just use sand, cat litter and a hydroponic solution.

2.                  List of internet money making websites.  Use this to find other internet money making sites.  Then type in GoDaddy.com to start your own money making website and provide links to all of these. Then ask these websites to grant you a reverse link back to yours.  Generate oodles of advertising and make money.

3.                  Pliers.  Can be used to pull out teeth with gold or silver fillings.  After pulling out a few of your own teeth you will gain the experience necessary to offer this service to others for a small fee.  Can also be used to fix your car.

4.                  Gold and Silver Electrolysis Cable.  Just plug it in and press the two leads against any object that is gold or silver plated.  Given sufficient time, there is a very small chance some of the gold or silver might eventually be removed from the surface.  Do not use this on your teeth.  Use pliers instead.  Make sure you have plenty of extra fuses available.  Make sure you wear gloves and grab the leads by the black insulated portion of the device.  Caution:  Not to be used by children.  Do not let the two leads touch each other.  Do not touch bare skin with the two leads.

5.                  Our Exclusive brochure on “12 Ways to Survive The Next Great Depression.”  Don’t get caught without food, prescriptions, etc.  This brochure will show you the steps you will need to take.

6.                  A free DVD copy program.  Save money by not having to buy or rent DVDs.

7.                  A plastic tube.  We heard from a guy who knows another guy that you can use this to siphon off gas from some rich guys car.  He recommends doing this at night while wearing dark clothing.  Street only, not in his driveway.  Not near a streetlight.  But first, throw something at his car from a distance to make sure he doesn’t have a car alarm.  Please remember that it is against the law to do this and we do not recommend it.   We’re not the source of this idea.  Some guy who knows another guy is the source.  We are providing this tube so you can use it as a drinking straw.  We are not providing this tube so you can use it to siphon off gas off some rich guys car.

8.                  A locking gas cap.  We don’t need to tell you why.

9.                  Sleeping pills.  If the above ideas don’t work, just keep taking these and sleep through the depression.  Then, when its over, use the money you save from sleeping to spend spend spend again.  P.S.  We are only providing the first bottle.  You will need a lot more.

10.              Generic Anti-depressants.  Can now be obtained from Wal-Mart for $5.00.  What a bargain.  All you need is a doctor’s prescription.  Don’t take too many though.  You might just get happy and decide it’s OK to spend money again.

11.              Anything with drinkable alcohol.  (Booze, Nyquil, mouthwash, etc.) This will reduce your food intake.  Food is expensive.  Mouthwash is cheap.  One dollar at the dollar store.  Alcohol will make you sleepy.  Guess what.  You can’t buy stuff if you are sleeping all the time.  Plus this will counteract getting too happy from taking the antidepressants.  Warning:  Do not drink and take sleeping pills at the same time.

12.              A CTA Senior Citizen card template.  We heard from a guy who knows another guy that you can simply glue your picture into the blank space.    Please be aware that this is against the law and we do not recommend it.

13.              Internet Subscription to WOW.  (World of Warcraft.)  This highly addictive on-line computer game will take up all of your waking moments, be they few as it is.  You won’t want to eat, travel, or do anything else.  And it’s almost free.  Just make sure you do not forget to take bathroom breaks.

14.              Cancel your cable or satellite TV.  Use your internet service to get free websites with free television and movie programming.  There are tons of such free websites available, like Veoh, Hulu, Joost, etc.  Attach a monitor cable or Svideo cable and audio cable to your computer and the other cable end to your TV.

15.              Almost finally, here’s how to stretch your food budget.  Shop at Aldis.  Don’t buy brand name foods.  Grow your own produce and take vitamin pills when you run out of homegrown.  Eat dry cereal for fiber.  Don’t eat expensive fish.  Take fish oil pills instead.  The following are the cheapest foods:  generic raison bran cereal, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, grilled American cheese sandwiches, crackers, peanuts, and $1 frozen Banquet dinners.  Believe it or not, you can live on this stuff.

And finally, if you get really desperate, give away your cats and eat the cat food yourself.  However, we should point out that at today’s prices for cat food, you can buy cheap tuna for only 20 cents more per can.