The Cat Vacuum
You really can not afford a Roomba or it just doesn’t get the dirt out in all those places it cant reach. The answer is The Cat Vacuum.
Four little lint and dust trapping mittens on your cats four paws. Fully washable. The mittens. Not the cat. Just spread a little catnip in those hard to reach places and watch the cat vacuum go.
The Avatar Dating Coach
So your kids not an athlete and hes not great looking either. Hes a geek or a nerd with no personality. How in the hell are you going to get him to look at the girls and feel confident they are looking at him? You aren’t!
But with the Avatar Dating Coach you and he can delude yourselves into believing so.
First of all he needs the Girls Guide to Geek Guys (this is a real book) which shows how to use a geek to solve your really geeky computer problems. That gets him in the door.
Then he merely uses what he learns from the Avatar Dating Coach – a computer simulation that pairs a totally inexperience 14 year old boy geek with a 16 year old computer simulated girlfriend. Shes tough. Street smart. Hooked up. And totally social with a simulated Facebook and MySpace page and 259 simulated friends. Hes a total loser. But as he interacts with the Avatar it will tell him everything he is doing wrong, from the way he dresses to the way he talks.
Top it off with the Wiis exercise program to build muscles everywhere and this is one geek who will be geeky no more.
The Wii Voodoo Doll
Who do you hate? Who do you really despise? With the Wii Voodoo doll you can pinch, punch, beat, and stick knives into him and watch him suffer on-screen in high definition. Whatever you do the the Wii voodoo doll appears in graphic high resolution on a simulated avatar of that person on your computer screen. You merely download a picture of “most hated” into your Wii and it does the rest, simulating his face, head and body. Then you clothe him and torture him by doing same to the Voodoo doll.
Your New Personaltiy Extender
You are sick of your life. Absolutely sick of it. You need a totally new personality. One that you can integrate with your existing personality without all the usual problems like Schizo fn phrena, depression, anxiety, sense of loss or hopelessness, etc. You’ve tried drugs, therapy, Myspace, dating services, party meetup groups, etc., but you can’t shed that old personality which is getting in the way of a new one. You need the portable brain personality on a chip. A PBP. The process is simple and 100% effective. First we download your existing loser pukeup personality onto a computer chip. Then we totally zap the areas in your brain where all that crap was stored. The we insert the PBP into your brain, fully customized to your precise specifications and wanted personality traits. Then off you go to one of the many stimulating events we have planned for all of our clients. Maybe it’s a cruise or maybe it’s a night out clubbing. We handle everything. We provide the girlfriend/boyfriend, the hookup, or the friend with benefits. When its over, you have new memories to fit with your new personality. Then at night we take both chips, a copy of your natural personality (we give you back your loser personality so you can sleep comfortably) and your new personality and we merge them offline. You go through all of the discomfort of trying to merge these two personalities, but it is done offline, so you never feel it. Once the process is completed and we have an integrated personality on a chip, we replace your old loser personality with the new integrated one. No more therapy. No more feelings of loss or guilt. No more depression. Its just like having anesthesia. You will remember nothing. Just wake up a totally new person.
Now available at Best Buy. Yes. You no longer need a prescription to purchase the PBP. Check out Sundays flier in your local newspaper or go online and get 15% off now on this amazing product.
The 5D High Definition Television.
Beyond 3D TV. Its 5D TV. That’s two additional dimensions. Not one, but two. Its like Alice
The BarCode Cell Phone
Have you ever wondered why they don’t buld bar code readers into cell phones? Think of the things you could use it for: keeping track of calories and nutrients in your diet, summing prices on your Walmart cart, exchanging social information between any two people with these phones, electronically purchasing magazines or books, DVDs, that you download either to your phone or by wi fi to your home computer.
The Roofridge Wind Generator
This one actually exists. One of the reasons you don’t see more wind generators out there in residential areas on people property is due to concerns over safety and the NIMBY syndrome. People think they are ugly and make a lot of noise. Some of them do make noise but there have been many improvements in that area. The Roof Ridge wind generator is placed horizontally along the ridge of your house, i.e. at the top, running from one end of the house to the other. It consists of multiple small wind turbines or one with curved blades that spin a long distance horizontally instead of vertically. The only three things preventing widespread distribution of these types of wind generators are: (a) overall capital costs and financing (b) a large battery in the house that can store all of the electricity this makes or a large part of it (c) Tax incentives to promote this and cause the industry to grow and develop better economies of scale in production. Note the the battery problem will be solved soon via a new type of battery for the home that is being developed now.
The Kindle Projector
So you have a portable book reader. But what else can it do? Here is some functionality that should be added to these devices. They should have two screens or have color ink. Two screens would allow web use and browsing as well as book reading on the screen that uses electronic ink. It should have projector. New cell phones will have projectors. But it is not cell phones that need them, unless you are talking about an iphone. It is the ability to magnify the screen and read it on another surface that could be really useful. This could also be used to project maps.
The MP3 Player Jupiter Jack
You can buy two of these Jupiter Jacks for your cell phone for $5 each online. You plug it in your cell phone and it transmits the person on the other end through you car stereo speakers so you can talk hands free without a blue tooth device. Why not make these for MP3 players and IPods as well because many people have factory installed CD players that do not have a line in jack.
The Talking Roomba
If you don’t like the cat vacuum there is always the talking Roomba. It can be programmed to get frustrated at multiple levels. It will tell you in increasingly hostile or increasingly gentle tones (you decide) that it is stuck and you need to fix it. It will sneeze and act like a Furby doll. It can dance while vacuuming and play a song that it dances to. It does cha cha, twist, and if you get a second Roomba, you can watch them tango. It lets you know how full it is and says “I’ve got to take a dump. Help me please.”. It will periodically spin in circles and go weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee when it is happy. You will love it. Ask it a question and it will use wi fi to google the answer for you. Then it will speak that answer in English. Hold a conversation with it. It loves to talk about new cleaning technologies.
The Snuggie and Sham Wow Combo.
Its both. A snuggie and a shamwow. Give it to her as a present. Then when she wears it, spill something on it accidentally. Tell her you will wash it for her. Its that simple.
The Holographic You
As we age, and our bodies age, often our brain doesn’t realize this and we have a perception of ourselves and how we feel and look that is different than our physical appearance. For men approaching or in middle age, this is an issue during the mid life crisis where men begin to think they are teenagers again and may think their hormones are at that level as well. With the Holographic You, you can now superimpose that image of yourself as you were 25 to 40 years ago onto your body as well as what your wife or significant other looked like during that period as well. If you have ever seen the look on Jack Nicholson’s face when he sees Kathy Bates jump into the hot tub with him in “About Schmidt” and you are a middle aged man, you will relive the importance of this in one horrifying moment. Why go through that kind of trauma? With the Holographic You, both you and your endeared one can avoid this issue altogether now and as long as there is electricity and the Windows operating system doesn’t crash on you.
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